Your 20s aren’t a time to push pause, They’re a fleeting opportunity

I’m increasingly working with young adults who’ve been arrested.

They don’t enjoy the freedom to go where they want to. They’re fearful that they’ll make a misstep and get themselves into trouble. And they worry that their futures may be forever altered by the decisions they’re making now.

Ironically, none these people have had a run-in with the law or been involved in something criminal. But in some very real ways they may as well be in jail or handcuffs. They have stopped moving forward with their lives – their personal development has been arrested – and their lives are in danger of failing to become all that they could have been.

The dictionary defines arrested development as “an abnormal state in which development has stopped prematurely.” A large portion of the young adults I serve are frozen, afraid to move toward the things that make up a life because they might make a mistake. To make matters worse, in the current era of relative truth, cancel culture and censorship it’s not always safe to tell someone that they might be wasting their lives. Still, the fact remains that many young adults are now at risk for losing their chance at full and impactful lives.

How did this happen?

Based on thirty years of work with young adults, I believe three factors are at play: First, in the late 20th century there was a shift from optimism to pessimism in people’s thoughts and attitudes about work and life. Where we once believed that we could go out and make the work-life we want, many now make vocational decisions based on limiting “risk of failure” and ensuring security. Second, media has increasingly used fear as a tool to keep our attention, and it has crept into our children’s thoughts about work, family and the future. Our smartphones and televisions give us daily reminders of how risky and dangerous the world is, so we’re inordinately driven to protect ourselves against possible negative events. Third, the notion of a loving and protective higher power has all but left our daily thinking. Life on Earth has always been hard and dangerous, but previous generations combated these truths with the equal or more powerful idea that God cared, was in control, and took care of those he loved. So, every young adult potentially lives with the fear of wrecking their life beyond the point of restoration.

I have a wealth of empathy for my frozen friends. Theirs is a much scarier world than the one I grew up in. My mother used to stand on the front porch calling my brothers and I by our full names to get us to come home long after sundown in the summer. A world that safe is beyond the imaginations of most young adults.

Still, being in a state of arrested development puts a lot of people in their twenties at risk for unfulfilling lives. Those who excuse away the immobilized by saying “the 30s are the new 20s” or “it’s just extended adolescence” are exercising what they think is compassion but is actually a real problem with real consequences for the careers and the families and the futures of young adults. Eight out of ten pivotal decisions, experiences and insightful moments that help define the course of your life happen before your mid-30s.

For example, the first 10 years of a career have an exponential impact on lifetime earnings. Half of Americans are dating, living with, or married to their future partner by age 30. The brain ends its developmental growth around age 26, which means that whatever it is you want to change about yourself needs to happen sooner than later. And we know that female fertility peaks at age 28, and things get tricky after age 35, so starting a family isn’t something you can postpone indefinitely.

Clearly, there is much to lose if you spend your twenties not thinking about the trajectory of your life, but that isn’t what young adults are hearing. If you benignly pat a struggling young adult on the head and say, “You have 10 extra years to start your life” you risk robbing that person of her or his urgency and ambition, and absolutely nothing will happen. The post-millennial midlife crisis won't be marked by buying a red sports car, it'll be the realization that you can’t have that career, marriage or child you now want.

So, how can you help your arrested, frozen, or immobilized child or friend begin making headway through this difficult phase of life”?

First, push them to do educational and vocational things that will add value to who they are. Help them invest in the vocational identity they want to have by the end of their life. Your twenties are the best time for radical career and job pursuits because you haven’t got the constraints or penalties that come with dramatic changes later in life. Help them understand that risk is a correlation – greater risks yield greater rewards and safe bets might offer security, but they also usually lead to unsatisfying lives. Sure, they might explore and try to “find themselves” for a few years, but make that vocational exploration yield some life capital. Otherwise, it’s not exploration but procrastination.

Second, push them to develop relationships that will that add value to who they are. Too many young adults stay in relational groups that don’t fit their life aspirations because it’s comfortable. They isolate or huddle with like-minded peers but limit who they know, what they know, how they think, how they speak, and where they work. Life expansion comes from making new ties, outside the comfort of the familiar. Encourage them to build connections with people with whom they may have “weaker ties” but who are on the kind of life trajectory they want, then use those relationships to build the career and social life they want. Relational networking is still the best way to get the exceptional job or life you want.

Last, help them understand that the time to start building their family is now. While 30 may actually be a better age to settle down than 20 or 25, the best time to work on your marriage is before you have one. That means being as intentional with love as you are with work. Building a healthy marriage and family starts with consciously choosing the qualities of who and what you want in a life partner (and potential co-parent) rather trusting it to chance or wasting time with someone who is convenient but not up to those standards.

Your twenties aren’t a time to push pause and wait for life to begin at 30. They are the launching pad for what your life will be at 40, 50, 60 and retirement. Every decision (or choice to Not Make a decision) has life-long implications and effects. The trajectory of a life can only be bent in a positive direction by the brave choice to try, to go, to learn or to ask something that seems risky. Parents and friends who pacify or discourage a young adult might inadvertently be preventing their child’s or friend’s life from becoming all it could be.

So, encourage your young adult to add value in their vocational lives, to pursue relationships that will make them more than they currently are, and to build the foundation for the family and community life they most want to have. Waiting until they’re thirty puts them at risk to be defined by what they didn’t do, didn’t try, or didn’t know. If they’re in their twenties, then they’re deciding the course of their life right now.