Building a Vocational Identity that can Withstand Life's Challenges

Adam sat bent over in the plastic chair, his head held low with his elbows on his knees. There were four of us circled up to talk about life. I couldn’t see Adam’s face. He was wringing his hands. When he finally spoke he didn’t lift his head. “Fellas, I’m just not sure who I am anymore”, he said to the floor, “I used to be Adam the ‘king of sales’ but I think that guy is gone.”

The previous four months Adam had literally been fighting for his life. Healthy and active, he was struck with a sudden cerebral hemorrhage (brain bleed) and missed months of work while doctors adjusted treatments and tried to avoid surgery. They had finally gotten the bleeding under control and he was back at work, but Adam hadn’t been able to maintain the constant contacts that had kept his sales pipeline full. At age 52 he was in the first major sales slump of his entire career and it was pounding his self-esteem.

Adam’s situation is one I run into regularly in my work. A client will tell me that they feel lost or adrift because the life they used to have isn’t there anymore. The loss of a job, a divorce, the death of a loved one or close friend, the ability to do an activity, the onset of a disease or disorder, even having kids leave for college – many unforeseen and unwelcome life events have the potential to leave us wondering who we are.

It happens because we often build our sense-of-self, our identities, on what we do and have, rather than on who we are. Then when our circumstances or abilities change, we don’t just lose those things, we also lose our foundations for understanding who we are in the world.

Building an identity around work happens to men more often, but women aren’t immune from it. I’ve served dozens of female clients whose identities floundered when they lost a job, went through empty-nesting when children left home, went through a divorce or other trauma. Too often we simply don’t realize we’re building our sense of self on these things.

How do you build a healthy, circumstance-proof, sense of self or identity – especially regarding your work?

You have to build your sense of self on something immutable. It’s a favorite word of mine that means unchanging or unchallengable. For our identities to stand up against the many changes and challenges life throws at us we need them to be rock-solid anchors - immutable.

Finding a solid foundation for your identity is hard these days when things like Truth are seen to be a matter of personal preference or perspective and, therefore, everything is subject to challenge by someone with a different opinion. But the world hasn’t thought this way for very long.

Historically there has been an understanding that there is a Higher Power who created the universe, holds it together, and is guiding history toward some higher purpose. It’s the foundation for the world’s prominent religions. The Judeo-Christian belief system holds that this higher power created human beings and gave them unique personalities and abilities so that they could participate in a relationship with him and in the work of guiding history toward a higher purpose that only a higher power can understand.

This gives us two solid (immutable) ideas on which to build our identities: first, that we were intentionally created and placed in this world; and second, that we were given unique attributes so that we can individually contribute to the world. In short, you’re being here on the planet is intentional and not accidental, and you were intentionally gifted for specific purposes.

These two immutable qualities give a human life value – regardless of a person’s ability to contribute (as defined by someone’s arbitrary scale). The child or adult with special needs, as well as the elderly person with diminishing strength, coordination or memory should be understood as having value because they were intentionally created and placed here and have unique gifts to share with the world. Each person has value, whether they understand that to be true or not – and that includes you.

You see this clearly in the movie Forrest Gump when Forrest’s commanding officer Dan Taylor, now a double amputee due to his injuries, rails at Gump for saving his life rather than allowing him to die with his men. “This wasn’t supposed to happen. Not to me. I had a destiny. I was Lieutenant Dan Taylor.” Taylor had defined his identity and value by a role (a military martyr) he’d taken on to give his life meaning. When he couldn’t be that person, he lost his identity. But Forrest, though intellectually challenged, understands something more profound, so he replies, “You’re still Lieutenant Dan.”

If you can incorporate these two truths into how you understand your value, then your next task is determining the best ways to apply who you are and the abilities you possess.

This was the heart of my response to my friend Adam. After Adam shared his pain and confusion about his work and place in the world, I turned to him and said, “Adam, I’m sorry you’re feeling this pain, but I think you’re confusing something.” “You’ve defined yourself as ‘Adam the salesman’”, I continued, “when sales is just a role you chose in which to apply your gifts and abilities.” I went on, “We are not defined by our work, our work is a place to express who we are.”

Your work and life roles are a means to express what you bring to the world - your unique gifts, abilities and story - not ways for you to understand who you are and prove your value to the world.

Your challenge is to fully understand the unique gifts, abilities and story you’ve been given, then find the ways and places you can best apply them.

This is the heart of the work I do with all of my Coaching clients.