The Problem with Self-Defined Identity
In the aftermath of last week’s shooting at Covenant School in Nashville many people are asking why such things are happening so often in our nation. March 27th marked the 129th mass shooting this year, a mind-boggling statistic that should evoke horror in our hearts and reasonable fears about our future. Experts point to gun control, mental health, school security and other issues they think will make sense of and control the violence epidemic, but I wonder if we’re missing something more fundamental.
We live in a time when our society tells people that they are free to determine who they want to be and what they can do with their lives. The ideas seem appealing on their face because they align with the American values of Choice and Free Will. But we human beings don’t do well when we are left with full latitude to define ourselves and determine the courses of action for our own lives. We need guidelines and boundaries to point us in the right direction and keep us moving toward positive things.
I see this a lot in the lives of my clients, and especially my clients who are in their twenties. There comes a time in the career coaching process when it’s essential for the client to choose what she or he wants to pursue. Because it’s their life, I never do more that make career suggestions to my clients based on how they’re wired, and the desires, hopes and aspirations they’ve shared in the process. In other words, I give them guidelines. Despite this many freeze in fear of making a “wrong” choice and go into analysis paralysis, incapable of moving forward. Many ask me, “What do you think I should do?” in the hope that I’ll make the decision for them.
Human beings aren’t equipped to build their own identity and fully determine the steps that will bring purpose and meaning. It’s a reason that the ideas of socialism and communism hold such appeal for many, and that cults like the Branch Davidians and Jonestown gathered followers. These structures promise the ideals of social equity, security and well-being in exchange for surrendering self-determination. They fail because there are always self-interested (and often evil) people who will abuse those that willingly subjugate themselves to someone else in exchange for security.
My friend Jim Branch once wrote “Identity can’t be constructed it can only be bestowed.” He meant that we can’t build our own our identities and life paths, they can only be given to us – ideally by someone who loves us and knows us better than we know ourselves. Obviously, he’s talking about God and the idea that if God made us, then God is the only one who can accurately tell us who we are.
Most of America left the idea of a God who tells us who we are back in the twentieth century. In fact, many of my non-work friends (and I tend to move in circles of people who profess a belief in God) work very hard constructing their own identities. I can’t blame them. We all grew up being fed a constant stream of self-determinism and self-definition. When we moved into the twenty-first century the myth of the “Self-made-man” simply morphed into the myth of the “Self-made-choose-your-own-pronoun”. They are myths because we were never designed to self-define who we are and what we should do – we need something authoritative to guide us through an arbitrary and unpredictable life.
My college psychology professor once told stories of experiments to evoke “learned helplessness” and psychosis in kittens by preventing any semblance of cause-and-effect the kittens could use to determine how to act. (Yes, they were horrible experiments.) The kittens lost their minds because their attempts to control their circumstances never led to a good outcome. They became hopeless, listless, or violent. I think we’re finding ourselves in one of these experiments writ large.
When people are unable to find a course of action that satisfies their desire for love, purpose, and meaning they will eventually become hopeless or enraged. The out-of-control suicide and gun violence rates in our nation won’t be answered by gun-control legislation or increased community mental health services (though those things might slow the bleeding) but by people learning who they are and why they’re here from a higher authority than themselves, and I’m not talking about government or Big Brother.
The idea of a God who created us intentionally because he wants us in the world to be with him to accomplish a greater purpose than we can imagine has been lost. Without this central idea around which to orient and build our lives we are left without an anchor for our identity, we can only self-define. That may well be the main reason many don’t like the idea of a higher power – they don’t want to acknowledge that perhaps they aren’t the best person to define themselves, then have to relinquish control over what they do. But the evidence around us is incontrovertible: Deciding for ourselves isn’t just not-working, it’s having horrific results.
A created thing can only look to its’ creator to fully understand the purpose and meaning for its existence. Choosing to deny having been created (and therefore under some authority) shifts the responsibility for defining your own existence, your own morality, your own ethics, and where you will obtain love, purpose and meaning to your own shoulders. We’re not made for that, and history is filled with the stories of people who have tried.
I help people understand their hardwiring and desires and their implications for a meaningful work-life. I don't push my beliefs on people - it's just the framework I use to help people find what they're looking for. I'm always glad to meet with you, in person or virtually, to tell you more about how I can help. Reach me here or at (865) 755-4543.
My Best to You!
Dr. Jim Bailey